Why Do We Keep Having the Same Fight? A Therapist on the Pattern Underneath
A New York therapist on why couples keep having the same argument, what is usually underneath it, and how therapy helps you change the pattern instead of the topic.
The fight is about the dishes. Then it is about the fact that you always have to ask. Then it is about the time last spring when you asked and they said they would and they did not, and suddenly you are both standing in a kitchen in Carroll Gardens arguing about something from eight months ago with the intensity of a closing argument.
If this sounds familiar, you are not failing at your relationship. You are having what relationship researchers call a perpetual problem, and most couples have a few. The goal is not to never fight. The goal is to stop having the same fight on repeat, with the same script, ending in the same silent standoff.
The topic is almost never the point
Recurring fights tend to have a topic and a subtext. The topic is the dishes, the in-laws, the phone at dinner. The subtext sounds more like: do you see me, can I count on you, do I matter as much as your job. When couples argue about the topic, one of them can win the argument and both of them still lose the evening, because the real question never got answered.
The parts that show up
In Internal Family Systems we talk about parts, the protective strategies that step in when something feels threatening. One partner has a part that pursues, pushes for resolution, and gets louder when it feels ignored. The other has a part that withdraws, goes quiet, and waits for the storm to pass. Each part is trying to protect something, and each one makes the other one worse. Seeing that dance clearly, without deciding who the villain is, is usually the first real shift.
What changes in therapy
We slow the fight down enough to actually see it. We look at what each of you is asking for, what you are protecting, and where the conversation reliably goes off the rails. Then we practice doing it differently, which is less romantic than it sounds and far more useful. Couples often notice that the fights do not disappear, but they get shorter, less scorched, and much easier to come back from.
It also works one person at a time
Relationship therapy is not only for couples. Sometimes one person comes in because the same dynamic keeps showing up with different people, or because a partner is not ready to join yet. Understanding what you bring into the room is often the fastest way to change what keeps happening in it.
Kofman Wellness offers individual and couples therapy by secure telehealth for clients across New York City and New York State. If the same fight has been running your household for a while, a complimentary 15-minute consultation is a good place to start. You can request one at kofmanwellness.com/contact.