How Grown Kids Become Babies (And How Not To Raise One)

Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash. 

I don't typically comment on celebrity drama, but there's something about the Beckham-Peltz family feud that crosses my mind about as often as new memes of Victoria during the wedding first-dance pop up on my feed.

 

I truly didn't care about the Beckham-Peltz drama until I kept seeing therapists online rally around it…and then…suddenly I did. I quickly realized that most people commenting on the situation were very quick to flatten a very complex family dynamic into a familiar story: His parents are abusive. He grew up in a dysfunctional family. Brave child finally setting boundaries!

 

While that may make sense in continuously acclimating followers to a familiar narrative, getting likes, and promoting public outrage towards a situation where we are not privy to the full story, I see something else.

 

What I see is something much more subtle. I find this is more common in ultra-high-net-worth families, especially those who are high-profile: an adult child who has not fully developed the capacity to tolerate limits without it consuming them. I find myself thinking about how this actually plays out in these families. Why do some adult children fall apart when real boundaries appear? Why do kids raised with (seemingly) everything still feel so…brittle? And most of all, why does independence sometimes look like a tantrum?

 

This is not meant to be a dig at parents who want to give their children a happy childhood. Actually, this isn't meant to be a criticism of any parents at all, because by and large, we're all just trying to do the best we can. But I will say, that most of the therapists commenting on this are generalizing a multi-layered issue without ever having worked with ultra-high-net-worth families.

 

And it shows.

 

These families don't operate like average families. They operate like ecosystems where names are actual assets, structure prevents chaos, and boundaries are often not about control at all, but rather, are about protection. A legacy is involved, and that necessitates these families to operate (on paper) like corporations.

 

So when I see people quickly slapping on the label of "toxic" on anything that is a limit, or "abusive" on any structure in place, I cringe a little.

 

Too often, we mistake any discomfort as equaling harm. We consider frustration as a need to be met each time we experience it, and that a child's experience is the only one that truly matters.

 

But real adulthood (and work in therapy) requires way more than that.

 

Sometimes it's important for people to sit with discomfort, and to understand that rebellion does not equal power, and finding autonomy does not mean setting fire to the whole system.

 

I find this echoed in many successful families, and there are a few fundamental things that ultra-high-net-worth families can keep in mind to grow fulfilled, self-aware adults.

 

1. Love does not equal leverage

 

Many affluent or highly capable families fall into the trap of "I help you because I love you." However, this becomes internalized by the child as "You help me…so now you control me."

 

The pivot: Be explicit about love and resources. Love is unconditional, resources are conditional. Conditions should be named calmly and early, things that require effort, responsibility, and follow-through. Never let money, access, or protection be confused with affection.

 

This is key in developing confidence. Kids who grow up knowing that love is unconditional don't panic when boundaries show up later.

 

2. Let them experience earned autonomy, not symbolic independence

 

A lot of "baby adult" behavior comes from being socially or financially propped up, but being told they're independent.

 

The pivot: Kids need autonomy, but it has to be built by them. If you fund it, you help set the rules, but if they fund it, they own it. When a child works towards competence, they experience autonomy. Without competence, all that's left is entitlement.

 

3. Normalize contracts, boundaries, and other "boring" things

 

Emotionally immature adults don't know how to handle contracts, prenups, NDAs, and legal boundaries. They were not taught the purpose of those things and commonly mistake them for punishment, rather than understanding that structure is safety.

 

The pivot: Create written agreements from a young age around responsibilities and expectations. Helping a child understand why boundaries exist, and treating rules as neutral, results in kids feeling empowered around those difficult concepts.

 

4. Teach them what power actually means

 

Most sheltered kids see rebellion and defiance as defining power, and adulthood being defined by being ungovernable. That's…not how the world works.

 

The pivot: Teach them the meaning of leverage as being tied to power, not outrage. Kids who are confident and secure in themselves understand that independence comes from contribution rather than rebellion, and that being reliable is essential in demanding respect.

 

5. Encourage productive discomfort

 

This is a toughie, I know, because sometimes it's easier to just give in, but children learn resilience through sitting with limits, failing without us repairing immediately, and tolerating frustration.

 

The pivot: Their disappointment does not require your action. Encouraging frequent problem-solving allows them to tolerate discomfort and act from a position of abundance rather than scarcity.

 

6. Model calm authority, not emotional dominance

 

Kids learn more from what we do rather than what we say. Kids who grow up around reactive, shame-based statements, and dramatic scenes typically become reactive or explosive adults.

 

The pivot: Work on your own self-awareness. Show up as calm, consistent, and regulated, and work on it in therapy if you're having a difficult time.

 

These are the parts that are often missing from the social media takes. The concept of trauma is diluted by our culture increasingly equating it to emotional discomfort.

 

Personally, I don't want my kids to think boundaries mean rejection. Or that access means love. Or that cutting people off is equivalent to power. I want them to feel inspired, to tolerate waiting and frustration, because those things are essential in experiencing life. It's what we need in order to stay truly fulfilled and aligned in our relationships.

 

And you don't get that by continuously being validated, or by growing up with no limits.

 

You get that by developing self-trust.

 

Perhaps it's time we stop cheerleading fragility, and start having these difficult parenting conversations out loud.

 

This piece was originally published in Little Notes from Your Therapist.

 

If something here landed and you would like to talk it through, you can book a short complimentary consultation or send an inquiry. Sessions are by secure video anywhere in New York State.

 

A note on privacy: this is not about one specific person. It is a composite drawn from patterns I have seen across many years and many rooms. No real client, session, or otherwise identifying markers.

 

This post is written for educational purposes and is not medical or mental health advice, nor a substitute for care from a licensed provider. Reading it does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are in crisis or need urgent support, call or text 988 in the United States, or call 911.